Went for a drive

Awwww yeah. That's it.
Just got home from a wonderful drive with Mr. Aed and C#. We went north on the parkway and stopped at this little orchard. Bought some fudge and honey habanero BBQ sauce. Then we stopped at a private picnic area and had a quiet little picnic of sandwiches, chips and potato salad with IBC Root Beer (woot!). It was really relaxing and beautiful. I did the driving. C# loved it, too. Wanted to go for a walk to the view after wards, which is supposed to be awesome, but Mr. Aed was tired and we were both full. Decided to head home instead. We'll save the view for another day.

Got home and my phono preamp had come in the mail, so I was able to listen to records! It was SO EXCITING. I hadn't been able to listen to my records in so long. I found this turntable at Goodwill for only $4 and it's in amazing shape. Took it to a local audio guy who put a new belt on it and adjusted it and everything, only charged me $5. He was impressed that I was lucky enough to find a player like this at Goodwill in this town. People have finally caught on that old turntables are desirable. Ordered the preamp for $18 so I could hook it up to our new but slightly lame stereo. It sounds great and I danced my ass off to Thriller, which I haven't heard in years. Exhausted!

The Frontline also came, so I can divvy it up like Coco and Kiki taught me, treat all the animals, wash the sheets and we will finally be flea free. P$ is practically bald, it is so sad. Poor little girl has the worst doggie allergies you have ever seen. Even with the special food and shampoo she still goes total ass bald if she gets fleas or too many allergen infested snacks. And I don't just mean on her ass, either. Even her ears are losing hair. It'll grow back really fast once she's flea free, which is good because it is starting to cool down and I think we will have a long hard winter. I don't want to have to put on her slicker every time she goes out. Bwahahaha she hates that.

Finally a good day.

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Desire is the key

I have been meaning to talk about Wednesday's therapy session. It was interesting, one of those good sessions that isn't all negative. Things have been going well between Mr. Aed and I as of late, so it was nice to have some positive feedback and encouragement.
Toward the end of the session, the topic of trauma came up again. We had talked about this a long time ago- I have been seeing D for over a year now. (That is almost definitely a record for me as far as therapists go.) She told me once long ago (during a session with me and Mr. Aed) that I seem to have experienced some kind of trauma as a child or somewhere along the road that led me to my present location. She doesn't necessarily mean physical or sexual trauma, of course. This isn't one of those repressed memory situations that was all the rage in the late 80's. Heh. But I completely understand what she means. I have so many seemingly trauma-related symptoms or PTSD style patterns. Anxiety, nightmares, complete and utter lack of childhood memories, fear and perhaps the most important- disassociation. The internal feeling that there are practically two of me. I have no decision making ability- this is something I have to continue to try and learn. The ability to trust myself and choose something should be possible, but often I just can't. I can talk myself out of anything and apparently into anything.
D asked me how the decision was made to have sex with Anon. This was an easy question (for once) because I have pained over that forever.
"It was a decision that she made and I went along with". I think this is exactly what she expected me to say, though I was surprised she saw it coming. I honestly see that time as myself outside of myself. There is she, and there is I. Only... "she" is me. Oh the irony.
Our parting words were that I want two consecutive lives and I feel like two conflicting people. (One is a married woman with a man-partner she loves with all her heart, but she made a serious mistake. The other is a lesbian who wants to roam the world at large. These details will work themselves out later...) D says that we will be able to merge my two lives (and make one a happy one, ideally).

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Work

We finally got word today at work that we are getting raises. They have been putting it off since May, and now we're getting 1.5%. Better than nothing. More later.

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This is the subject

And this is the post. This is only a test.

-Aed

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