The current difference

The current difference between a good day and a bad day isn't much anymore. I constantly worry about the same things, have the same recurrent problems and do the same things every day. One little tick can turn it either way.

Yesterday I had a short and to the point conversation with Dick. It consisted of me telling him that what he did to me is not ok, and though I have tried to forgive his actions I have not. I reminded him of something I told him a few months ago- that he assaulted me. I lost any respect I had for him and I have not gained any back. I'm glad it's over with. He told me the same things that he had before- that he didn't mean to hurt me, he hasn't forgotten, he will never do it again, he wishes he could take it back, I have meant more to him than anyone ever has, he loves me, he understands if I never want to talk to him again. Finally. I don't believe I will be hearing from him again.

Today was a normal day. I talked to She-boss about FMLA, which MD agreed was a very good idea when I mentioned it at my last visit. She said she would absolutely fill out the paperwork incase I ever need to take time off or if my absences start to become a problem again at work. I'm so relieved by this- I don't have to worry about losing my job if I have to be out of work or even worse...be hospitalized. I came very close to giving up awhile back and I thought I was headed that way, luckily my mood improved quickly enough that I was able to get through it. I fucking hate living like this, but you would think that after 15 solid years of back and forth I would be a pro at coping. I guess I am better than I was when I was 13, but it makes life a fucking bitch, I tell you what.

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I came home

I came home from walmart last night and Mr. Aed was pissed off. I will start from the beginning.

Things have been going very, very well. It has been a very short amount of time, but after a huge blow out about two weeks ago, we have been getting on famously. We seem to always fight the day of or the day after I go to therapy.

Mr. Aed and I were in bed taking a nap. It was about 2000. He said don't be surprised if I don't wake up until morning. I never really went to sleep, but I laid there and texted a little, watched tv. I got up about 11 and went and washed my face and got dressed. I whispered that I was going to go to the store to get drinks and I would be back. He said ok but didn't get up or anything.

I went to walmart because I wanted to dick around instead of being at home quiet and alone. I also wanted to look for something for my record player, which they didn't have. But I was gone for about 3 hours, including 10 minutes to drive there and 10 back.

Mr. Aed texted me about 1 and asked where I was. I told him and he said he got up when I left. I wish he had told me earlier, I would have come home. It isn't fair that he apparently doesn't trust me to go out of the house at night by myself. Everything I do feels suspicious to him. So he told me yet again that this isn't going to work and we need to decide how we are going to start separating again.

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I don't want

I don't want to fuck and run but tonight isn't good for me. You said come over for a quickie. You'd bend me over the front seat and fuck me in the driveway. Well, I don't have to be that quick, I said. I told you I don't want to do it from behind this time- it's hard for me to come that way.
We walked into your dark bedroom and you shut the door. I could barely see you, but I easily knew where you were standing. You were still wearing your work pants and I saw you start to take them off. I have seen this a few times before. You asked me how I wanted to do it and I told you I wanted to feel you on top of me. This surprised you. I come easily when you're on top and I know you will dominate me if I let you or ask you to. I am standing at the foot of the bed you share with another woman. As I watch you take off your clothes I start taking mine off. First my shoes, then my jeans, followed by my T-shirt, bra and underwear. I lay down on your bed stretched out on my side with my arms above my head and you come around to the foot where I was standing.
"Are you naked?" you ask, and run your hand along my upper thigh and to the crease of my ass.
"I am," I say. "Are you?"
"Yes." And you are somehow on the bed with me.
I reach up and touch you because I know you will be soft. You are quite possibly the softest skinned man I have ever touched. And you always smell the same.
You start on my nipples, licking the right, softly and then the left. Your hands hold my breasts and my hands touch your head and your back. You're already hard and I tell you not to hurry. I don't love you and I don't have any intention of loving you and you feel the same way. We are friends who like each other and we like to fuck each other. It has its own unique passion attached.
Your hand is exploring my clit and at the same time we're talking. We're having an almost normal conversation. I find this hilarious and for some reason very erotic. Every once in awhile you will come closer to me, but for the most part you are above me, touching and licking and kissing my body. My head is on your pillow and you bring your head down close to mine. You almost lay your head on my shoulder, my mouth by your eye.
"I know when you're just fooling around with someone you're not supposed to kiss them on the mouth. I've heard that, have you heard that?" you say.
"Yeah, I know. But you've kissed me before." Clearly we're referring to the fact that both of us have partners of our own. Either that or you're Richard Gere and I'm Julia "Whatever You Want it to be" Roberts.
"I know. And for some reason I really want to kiss you now," you reply.
"You can kiss me." I really want you to kiss me. I thought you'd never ask.
And your mouth feels so good. We don't kiss for long, but it works- and it makes me want you more. You lower yourself and eat my pussy for awhile. And your mouth feels so good.
Your hand is feeling my pussy, you say I'm not very wet. I think I am. I lick two fingers and take a feel for myself. I hold your cock in my hand, and I bring you towards me, and you are soon inside me. It's an amazing tease, because you are fucking me- then you pull out. We continue like this for some time, prolonging the enjoyment of our first encounter together in some time. I'm holding you to me, and you're thrusting into me, not hard, but perfectly. Your cock isn't so huge that it hurts, it's the right size. You put your hand on my throat when you get closer to coming. This is what I fucking love about you. You fuck me, hard and harder and you make sounds that I don't often hear from you. I can feel you orgasm inside of me, and I am so satisfied.

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I had a

I had a really good visit with MD today. I told her how I get to work and immediately neglect my body in order to stay on task. I don't drink, I avoid bathroom breaks, I just work constantly. My brain gets fried quickly. She said that I need to set an alarm on my cell phone or computer to go off at 1630 so I will remember to stop, get a drink and a snack, take a few minutes to relax, and take my afternoon ritalin if I need it. That is another thing- I never remember to take the fucking ritalin. I don't need it every day- it just depends on how my day started out and when I took my Focalin. Anyways, I completely intended to do that today. Of course, I got to work and things started out normal enough. That didn't last long.

About 1715 I get a call on the office phone from the unit secretary asking if I know where the pharmacist (X) is. I do not know. She says they have a cardiac arrest and need an amiodarone drip stat. I tell her I will take care of it. I call the main pharmacy to see if my ED pharmacist is there. She is not. I tell the pharmacist that I need an amiodarone drip for an arrest and I can't find X. She enters the order for me and I run up there to pick it up. They know very little, but say that X had an emergency and had to go home. Something about a family emergency. Didn't they tell you she wasn't going to be there? They ask. No, they didn't. I know more than I can let onto, but no, no one told me anything.

I get the amiodarone down to the patient, who is still with us. Tell the nurse that it has to go through a filter needle. Which they didn't send (I didn't know they ever sent them, but I digress). I told her I will grab her one. My brain farts and I forget that she needs an IV set, not just a filter needle. DOY. and we have a laugh at my expense. She gets the IV tubing and off she goes.

I get a hold of Adam and tell him X is gone. We commiserate briefly, then I return to work and call my boss. She confirms that X is gone for the night, will not be here tomorrow or the weekend. She is no longer in the ED. Forever? Yes, probably. Oh well. She sucked. But the point is I have had a far from normal night and it isn't over yet.

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I don't know why

I don't know why I have never posted in ELJay. I have had so many things to say over the years. But I also have a fear of people reading what I say. I'm just going to start with the boring shit and maybe eventually open up to the less boring.

Last night I had a dream I was driving around downtown with a $100 bill in my pocket and playing black jack at the pay-at-the-pump machine at the gas station. I got 16 and tried to double down. The machine told me that wasn't wise and asked if I really wanted to. Then I tried to remember the advice Dan Savage gives in his book about playing black jack; the way I remembered it in my dream was to always assume the dealer's covered card is 10. So I decided to hold. I lost. Then I prepaid with cash for $4 in gas and pumped $4.04 and wondered if I needed to go inside to give them the four cents. i decided they wouldn't mind and I left.

Che is sleeping, Pearl is sleeping, Bixby is sleeping, Nathan is sleeping, the tv is on the blue screen and the air conditioning is running. I need to declutter something before Nathan wakes up. I haven't decided what yet, but there are plenty of options. I wish so badly that I could live more than one consecutive life. I want to be in Portland and I want to be in Asheville. I just hope that before I drive myself crazy the right decision will become evident. I hope that doesn't mean someone making it for me.

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